Amnesia and God's Love
Years ago, I went through some difficulties with my health. I struggled physically and emotionally and went through some tough anxiety and depression. I struggled with God. I wondered, why was he making me go through this? He is God - can't he just put an end to this and make me well? I couldn't understand how I could be struggling so if God is so good and loving. Thoughts and doubts came to me. I wondered, does God really love me? Was he really just the mean kid on an ant hill with the magnifying glass? I couldn't help but wonder and question. I stopped praying. I stopped reading the bible. I kept going to church but emotionally I disconnected from God.
I remember walking away from worship one day and I kept getting this thought . . . a nagging feeling that God missed me. At the time it seemed absurd and I dismissed it as such. Then I prayed a prayer that changed my life. I prayed it over and over again. "God, if you love me . . . show me. Cause me to know that you love me." I prayed it over and over again for several days and probably several weeks.
Then one day it hit me like a punch in the stomach. I saw it so clearly in the cross. What had been simply an overused symbol all throughout my life suddenly became an expression of his love that I could feel in every fiber of my being. Of course he loved me! Of course he loves me! He loves us deeply, passionately, sacrificially. All at once my prayer that I had been praying - that God would show me he loved me - seemed blasphemous and disrespectful toward his love.
Right then, I repented for such a prayer and apologized to God for the stupidity and disrespect of my prayer and told myself I should never pray such a prayer again.
Flash forward to a couple months ago, I found myself busy and anxious. Tired all the time I found myself with less and less uninterrupted time and too little of it spent with God. Slowly, I lost my passion and found myself feeling empty. Driving along I found some rare quiet time to pray and think. The word amnesia kept coming to mind. I vaguely knew in my mind the love of God but the joy and passion of it - the reality of it - had vanished and I grieved. I prayed "God I know you love me. Where did my passion go? When did I stop making you the priority of my life?"
I would think God should be mad at me. It was my own fault. He had made his love real to me and it was my job to remember. But, instead, he told me something that shocked me. Even when I forget him, he is determined to capture me over and over with his love.
And that is how he is. We may think we are seeking God but he is the one that is relentless about us. It made me think of the movie 50 First Dates. Have you seen it? It is a movie starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. She has a rare form of amnesia and forgets him every day but he is undeterred and every day he goes after her and makes her fall in love with him. That is how determined and passionate our God is about us.
I remember walking away from worship one day and I kept getting this thought . . . a nagging feeling that God missed me. At the time it seemed absurd and I dismissed it as such. Then I prayed a prayer that changed my life. I prayed it over and over again. "God, if you love me . . . show me. Cause me to know that you love me." I prayed it over and over again for several days and probably several weeks.
Then one day it hit me like a punch in the stomach. I saw it so clearly in the cross. What had been simply an overused symbol all throughout my life suddenly became an expression of his love that I could feel in every fiber of my being. Of course he loved me! Of course he loves me! He loves us deeply, passionately, sacrificially. All at once my prayer that I had been praying - that God would show me he loved me - seemed blasphemous and disrespectful toward his love.
Right then, I repented for such a prayer and apologized to God for the stupidity and disrespect of my prayer and told myself I should never pray such a prayer again.
Flash forward to a couple months ago, I found myself busy and anxious. Tired all the time I found myself with less and less uninterrupted time and too little of it spent with God. Slowly, I lost my passion and found myself feeling empty. Driving along I found some rare quiet time to pray and think. The word amnesia kept coming to mind. I vaguely knew in my mind the love of God but the joy and passion of it - the reality of it - had vanished and I grieved. I prayed "God I know you love me. Where did my passion go? When did I stop making you the priority of my life?"
I would think God should be mad at me. It was my own fault. He had made his love real to me and it was my job to remember. But, instead, he told me something that shocked me. Even when I forget him, he is determined to capture me over and over with his love.
And that is how he is. We may think we are seeking God but he is the one that is relentless about us. It made me think of the movie 50 First Dates. Have you seen it? It is a movie starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. She has a rare form of amnesia and forgets him every day but he is undeterred and every day he goes after her and makes her fall in love with him. That is how determined and passionate our God is about us.
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